Ashes to Ashes...

… or 'For whom the Bell tolls.' Choose your own epitaph! Although probably not quite yet, 'Too many Cooks…' Not just yet that is, unless we are, perchance, contemplating the captaincy, and even then I'd be pressing for a somewhat more cautious approach, that is at least until I settle more comfortably into this alien-feeling chair.

But enough of this easy cut and pasting of clichéd quotations, and instead on to this most heavy and pressing burden of my current responsibilities.

"So, ahem, It is with great sadness and a heavy heart, that I find myself having to announce the cancellation of the current Ashes Series. Some time in the immediate future, should my current responsibilities as temporary 'Head of The MCC' be made more permanent, I will be pressing strongly for no sudden changes to this unsteadiest of helms."

Winding down, as I was, for the summer recess, I'm sure that I don't need to over-stress the depth of my  hesitancy at climbing unto the breach. Yet, without this having been made blatantly evident to the wider public, this breach (post) had remained un-soldiered for far too long! And it certainly wasn't that I'd set out with even the most slender inclination of stepping into this role. The truth is that I hadn't fully paused to consider the potential links to England's paucity of cricketing credentials. I'd rather just assumed that 'we' were working through another one of those cyclic and routine English cricketing collapses, as certain as night follows day.

That is, until strolling towards the magnificent Lords Cricket Ground on the Sunday, I was rather unceremonially accosted by a most curious looking character- didn't know me from Adam- pleading in the most Etonian of accents. This gent was jolly proper, so much so that I'd initially assumed him to be conversing in some sort of foreign tongue. Indeed having resided in the UK for the past decade, I might more naturally have assumed him to be asking for money, but no!

"For the sake of all that is holy…" the character pleaded. The situation was so bizarre to me that my recollections, such as they are, remain cloudy and unclear, but I am as certain as I can be that this jazzy-blazered chappy had genuine tears in his eyes.

To cut to the chase, this most unexpected of encounters culminated in my acceptance of the post of, 'Head of The MCC.' I can't even pretend that I'm yet entirely 'reluctant,' as, truth be told, I'm still in something of a daze! I've not been home for fully an hour yet, and still I'm digesting the fuller implications of the MCC's hastily convened meet. Any more recent events have served merely to further consolidate my determination to do what is right!

"The MCC fully recognises that there will be severe financial implications to this decision, yet remains unanimously adamant in their resolve. Those members of the public wishing to avail themselves of a full ticket refund should proceed through the usual channels. We would request that callers exercise patience, in the event of busy telephone lines. At this juncture, we would also like to thank the Australian Team for their indulgences to date, and to wish them good fortune in securing an alternative and more befitting series against a more adequately equipped opponent."

"The MCC fully expects a future English Eleven to be able to compete at a level more befitting of a national team during the upcoming 2017/2018 Australian Ashes Tour, when we will have sifted through the  debris and debacle of recent events and, it is to be hoped, laid a more sturdy foundation."

"The MCC offers its most sincere apologies to both the Australian Team, for the inappropriateness of the most recent encounter, and to Mr Ian Bell for the briefest of interruptions to his otherwise lazy weekend. But, on a more positive note, those hardened loyalists may be pleased to note that the retained Mr Benjamin Stokes did manage to catch the earlier train."

As an aside, I am aware that there are indeed other sporting spectacles available to the less discerning sports fan, whilst all the while recognising that these will be of a somewhat lesser calibre, that is decidedly 'not cricket!' Whilst on the subject, sympathies must go out to Mr Christopher Froome, recipient to recent projectile urine assault whilst competing in the Tour de France. Were my role to be instead that of Sky Team Coach, I might be inclined to have Mr Froome's urine-soaked kit tested for performance enhancing drugs, just to establish the level of sophistication of the current protesters. If nothing else, a 'positive' would imply a deal of introspective pre-Tour planning on the part of the pseudo-protesters.

And that 'Bell?' 'It tolls for thee,' because 'no man is an island!' No, there is undoubtedly an unfortunate joined-up-continent feel about the current England Team. Whereas a much-needed-and-refreshing narrow channel or inlet might well assist in preventing further contagion. 'Remember that life is a great Ballancing act.' Although curiously, it can also, on occasions, have a tad too much Ballance!

'The Sky's the (viewing) limit,' might be rather more apt, in light of the government use of the current austerity screen. It's counter intuitive thrust entirely, if somewhat dejectedly, sums it all up.

"At this juncture, it would be remiss of me here not to take this opportunity to dispel current rumours that the England Team requested a Lords featherbed wicket, in order to nullify the Australian attack. And to clarify that the 'current' MCC considers that it would be improper to venture any such similar statement on behalf of the 'former.'"

Obviously, evidence suggesting that Messrs Anderson, Wood and Stokes believed it to be so, and therefore bowled accordingly, will need to be omitted from the final draft of this statement.

"In conclusion, I should like to pay homage to Mr Ed Smith, who was able to so succinctly appraise the depth of the current crisis in stating, "I can scarcely remember an innings where a wicket looked less likely to fall than Australia's innings. I can scarcely remember an innings where wickets looked more likely to fall than this England innings."" 

* The full unedited version of this MCC announcement is currently available through 'Catch Up,' on one of Sky's many monopoly sports channels.