Here lies Dominic Cummings.

It seems that our woeful government has hastily brainstormed Cummings's mini-break.  They- Johnson et al- are currently given to fire-fighting those awkward 'facts' that have thus far leaked out, but they cannot yet have considered what else may still come to light. With all the currently widely-known facts steadfastly in opposition to the government, are they just desperately hoping to whittle down opposition through nothing so much as the public's lack of stamina for processing lies, boring the engaged electorate about a government inability to properly interpret its own lock-down rules? 

As I understand it, we only have Cummings's word for it, that he and the birthday girl, Mary, were showing the very mildest signs of having contracted Covid-19. Eye-testing at the wheel, with child thrust into the back seat, alongside the birthday cake, for added focus? Seriously? So, what were those discounted counter-lies, those that were rejected as even less credible, and left untidily scrawled across the Number 10 whiteboard? And, are we to believe now that Boris dared once to go rogue, and to suggest 'herd immunity' all on his tod? Cummings should consider sacking the fool! Here lies Dominic Cummings!

Either they're rattled or they're showing us all an angry middle digit. 'Time to move on?' I don't think so!

Journalists, now do your job! 

Delivering at precisely the right time!

Perhaps Matt Hancock has, all the while, been alluding to the pandemic, when he drags out yet another of his 'best of British' masks and regales us with stories of daring do and intrepid excellence?  Either that, or he has positively been scraping the barrel of ready-cooked government lies. 

Under his and Boris's tenure much has been talked about and labelled as, 'the right items, to the right location, at the right time.' Sadly, none of those pseudo-journalists permitted present, at the government briefings, appears to have fully mastered the simple wristwatch, diary or calendar. If they have, then the we must consider the national situation rather more dire than has hitherto been presented! 

We (ordinary types) have pulled together, assiduously adhered to our physical distancing (most of us), generally stayed inside and clapped for approximately four-and-a-half minutes from eight in the evening, of a Thursday. The weather has not always helped with regards to the incarceration, but the situation requires certain sacrifices. If only our's and this government's idea of sacrifices were one and the same we'd seriously be 'cooking on gas!' But alas!  

Now the shackles are loosening, we have burrowed under the mountain- perhaps the word is 'mounting,' subliminally referencing fatalities?- and the pastures are looming! We tentatively search the grassy meadows, only to find that they are instead a grassy knoll. Getting back to normal! With a bang!

I possess a wristwatch, a diary and a calendar. And, yes I have! Shall we reminisce?

It must feel like it was a world away, when we could enjoy ourselves with gay abandon, when we could find the time to splash red paint upon any old crate and to create a splendid British red bus, '£350 million' or pretty much any number we fancied, sloshed across the side.

Anyway, tick-tock tick-tock!

So, to precise timings! When we learned of a new coronavirus- first recorded 17th November 2019- reaping havoc with the citizens of Wuhan, showing resistance to known vaccines, what better time to cease air travel to and from, at the very least, Hubei Provice in China? Or not? 'The right choices at the right time! For the economy!' People, certain people, instead had to wait in line! 

Boris- casual as you like- the brave British PM, was showing that no incy-wincy virus was going to dictate to 'Brexit Boris!' The Coronavirus was going to have to damn well wait in turn! Seriously, how many lives could such an innocuous thing expect to claim, during a hard-earned Prime Ministerial ten day New Year's (2020) leave of absence, to sunny Caribbean Mystique? It wasn't as if there were any early warning signs, was it? If we discounted all those early warning signs. 'The right holiday, at precisely the right time, at the right price!' Allegedly.

When we learned that the virus wasn't so good at waiting in line, perhaps a second best time to freeze those flights- at least to Lombardy, in Northern Italy, where fatalities were spiralling, now rather closer to home in Europe- was there instead another priority to be pursued? 'The right flights, at the right prices, for the right economy!' The first confirmed cases of the Coronavirus having reached Italy were on 31st January 2020.

Meanwhile, the World Health Organisation, still deemed Covid-19 to be of worrying epidemic proportions, back in January, early February 2020. 'Worrying,' but still of 'epidemic' proportions. Apparently not worrying enough for Brexit-busy-Boris. So, instead of worrying, the PM elected to circumvent five consecutive Cobra meetings. 'The right evasions, for the right reasons, at the right time!' Perhaps there were buses that still needed painting, or peopling with happy passengers? Were there perhaps fictitious figures that needed conjuring from the aether of Dominic Cummings's bastardised superforcasting unit? 'The right fiction, from the right lips, at precisely the right time.'

In early February it is alleged- government always denies these things- that the term 'herd immunity' was first broached. We can speculate that Dominic Cummings was again further skewing the already spurious findings of his superforcasters. We can also speculate that Sir Patric Vallance nodded favourably at the idea. And that David Halperm and Vallance were keen on 'putting the phrase out into the public domain.' 'Nudging the public in precisely the right direction, at precisely the right time, at precisely the least economic disruption.' 

On the 28th February- allegedly in the best of British, Gung-Ho Brexit spirits- the UK missed an EU deadline for procurement of desperately needed PPE. An Empirical (and highly idiotic) statement of "Going it alone, we're no longer in the EU," was quickly suppressed. Perhaps not quite, "Precisely the right show of nationalism, at the right time.' Although governmental claims that we'd accidentally overlooked the deadline looked decidedly weak when the UK missed a second chance, on the 15th March, then a third on the 17th March. 'The right show of Empirical strength, in the right spirit, at precisely the right time.' Churchill would have been so very proud! 

On the 11th March 2020 the WHO declared the Covid-19 spread to have ballooned into a pandemic. Thankfully the UK had an updated and improved Brexit alternative model, in the form of Sage, whereby science could be better moulded to suit the British narrative. 'Precisely the right science, for circulation to the right MSM, at precisely the right time.'  

The World Health Organisation was clear that, 'test, test, test,' was the only way forward, for the countries of the world, in order to be able to trace and to combat Covid-19. But the UK abandoned such an approach, not even because of Cummings's quickly discredited, then disowned, 'herd immunity' approach, instead because it was already known that the NHS was woefully under prepared for such an ideal. Officially 'testing' was abandoned on 12th March. 'Precisely the right deviation from WHO guidelines, at the only available time.' 

When a permitted journalist alluded to the UK's unpreparedness, referencing Exercise Cygnus- I doubt the journalist has been permitted a second chance at the mic- Matt Hancock initially feigned ignorance of such an event. 'The right evasion, in front of the right MSM, to the right audience.' Wasn't really an evasion as such... more a... a lie.

In the whole sorry saga- excepting Sunak's slight of hand, with our money, for which we (the ordinaries) will be paying- Matt Hancock's 100,000 testing-reversal has, oh-so-very-briefly, been the only ray of sunlight. 'The right commitment, for the right PPE, at precisely the right time!' was duly snuffed out on the very day of (missed) delivery, 30th April. Perhaps it was a Hermes delivery? 

We were promptly (but not really) assured that this was the manner in which Covid-testing had always been counted, by whichever member of the Sage Group had been elected to further compromise his-or-her credibility. Care of Sage, then, the British public no longer, if it ever did, fully understands which testing targets are being missed on which days. So, the testing target missed, was that the actual target, or the wish-list target? 'Precisely the correct method of counting, up until precisely the correct date, conveyed to precisely the right MSM!' Or not? "He's only gone and done it!" reported the Express. He hadn't!

On 24th April, according to the UK Government's own figures, the UK leap-frogged Italy, to become Europe's highest and the globe's second highest reaper of Covid-19 deaths. The Office of National Statistics, another government body, made so bold as to suggest that the count could be several thousand greater still. The interchangeable minister of the day dutifully smiled at the cameras and spoke of British successes, and British resilience, and grit. The permitted journalists duly mitigated. 'Precisely the right death toll, on precisely the right day, at precisely the right hour!' Except the figures were becoming somewhat elusive, more slippery by design. 

Shamefully, the BBC failed to cover itself in glory on 4th May, by tweeting that 'Italy has the highest Covid-19 death toll in the EU.' See what they did there? The UK was no longer a member of the EU... Goebbels would have been so proud! 'Precisely the right slight of hand, from precisely the right source, in the darkest hour.' I doubt the tweet made the news headlines, not without further clarification. Probably embarrassed!

When Boris instructs that we do or don't go to work, do or don't stay indoors, stay alert! we could be forgiven for wondering quite what we should be staying alert for. Stay alert for, 'Precisely the right obfuscation, at precisely the right moment, to precisely the right dizzy audience.' Certainly the spin is not helping. 

Here we are, 15th May, and the waters are muddying... as they will need to do, if the government is to present this fiasco to the general public as any sort of triumph. Fortunately for the government we now have, 'Precisely the right MSM, for precisely the right 'national' catastrophe, during precisely the right kind of Brexit!'   

As the government likes to keep reminding us, 'It is unhelpful to compare differing European nations' responses to the pandemic,' 'specifically in the light of the UK's ballooning death toll.' Government statements do not tend to dwell upon the latter. On 14th May the government's elected means of counting the dead has the figure at 33,614. Two-thousand two-hundred and forty-six greater than Italy's death toll. The minister of the day will be at pains to point out that the UK population is greater than is Italy's, that other factors will come into play. But they will be less at pains to point out that the UK was once significantly better placed than was Italy, in terms of the UK's lower numbers of Covid-positive individuals- weeks ahead! The minister of the day will tend to shy away from direct comparisons with Germany, who has a greater population than does the UK. Thankfully Sage is there to conjure, 'Precisely the right data, from precisely the right sources, on precisely whatever day!'  

Thirty-three-thousand six-hundred and fourteen official deaths! The Office of National Statistics places the figure at as much as 33% greater still! The Financial Times has recently commissioned a study, which places the figure at double the official total of 33,614 (14th May). So, it really is currently more likely to be a case of, 'Precisely the right data, from precisely the right sources, on precisely whatever day! But, with this amount of government spin, no worries, we won't be able to focus properly anyway.

In response to yet another question about the nation's affection for, especially, the NHS, but also care workers, somebody was heard to wonder, "Can we keep the rainbow?"

Skindeep Patel has Priti much answered this, whilst we are still in the throes of the pandemic, refusing to axe, or even to cut, the NHS surcharge paid by overseas workers in the health service. I can't possibly speak on behalf of others, but it rather lightens my soul to know, when the nation all together claps for the doctors and nurses who are dying on our behalf, that they will not be reaping any further reward from our hard-evaded taxes. 'Demonstrating precisely the right sentiment, to precisely the right downtrodden populace, from exactly the right kind of human monster!'  

It seems likely that rumours of Home Secretary Patel tearing down many of those ill-considered rainbows, in the constituency of Witham, and smoking the flaked remnants, ground down with dried human blood, might indeed be true. Getting back to normal! Even before the nation has gotten back to normal...    

I think the storm clouds are looking a great deal more permanent than is any rainbow! 

Stay alert!